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I feel that my philosophy matters so little in these regards, but I only wish to do justice to this man that I may find the right way to speak these words so that others will understand what must be done, and we will change this world to be one that does not have people pursue one's happiness at the expense of another and does not isolate others by making idols and monsters of men and women.

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Today, I was sitting at the benches outside SAC near Bruin Walk, and I fell asleep on my blankets as I had been homeless for the last several weeks and had slept unwell. UCLA employees in blue uniform were raking leaves off the grass, but there was one peculiar ~late 20s/ early 30s white man in the group with long blond hair tied in a ponytail wearing a white t-shirt with his sleeves rolled up and grayish jeans. He also had one of those leaf pickers in his hand and was picking up leaves, so he came near my table so that I lifted my head to see who was approaching, and he said to me, "Most other people would leave the area around you alone, but I woke you up to get the leaves, and I'll say hi to you. Hi," and I said "Hi," back and idled around for a little longer.

My main intent for being here was to go to SAC in order to get food from the closet, but it was closed, but having woken up, I decided to go back in and it was open this time so I took a few items then went back to the bench area to figure out a way to put the stuff in my bag.

The same white man was still picking up leaves, and he saw me trying to figure out how to put various items into my backpack, but there wasn't enough space so I struggled. He said, "Having trouble?" and I said "Yah," and he said, "Next time I'll bring a duffel bag, you know they refill it [the closet] every hour, sometimes they even have sodas," and in all honesty I really wanted a soda so I said, "Yah, that's what I was looking for."

He came over and we fell to talking, and since I had my jacket and blanket and was carrying it with my hands, he showed me how I could place the jacket and blanket sideways along the back of the loops of my backpack to free up my hands. I thanked him for this, and I asked him about his story about being homeless, as it was obvious he recognized within me that same situation.

He recounted to me had how had been homeless for 5 years, and that he had been going from area to area, but was mainly in LA. He had started a construction company about a year ago that was going well, but one day he was shot in the chest and foot in a random shooting and ended up in the hospital. He had to close down his company because the injuries prevented him from working, and he was back to being homeless. I listened to him, and I asked him what he was going to do now. He was trying to make his way back to Louisiana where he had a house that was paid off with his family, but he had to save up money in order to make his way down there. The leaf raking was just a temporary job, he would need to find a more stable one, and I wished him luck which he thanked me for. He lamented slightly of how being homeless sucked, how he didn't have a girlfriend and "all their bullshit" because he had no time and was homeless, and how life went on. I was ready to leave and get some soda, so I stood up and shook his hand and wished him luck once more, "God bless," he said, and I felt that he had found a little peace while he spoke to me.

As I was walking away, a female UCLA student or some other faculty that was in charge of the group of leaf rakers began walking alongside me and talked. She thanked me for being patient and talking to the man, and continued on about how he was talkative and how "they" never interrupted conversations when they began, but she had to warn me that he also liked to ask for things, and if he did, that I was not supposed to give him anything. She told me that he was one of their fastest workers, but he also got distracted and because "some" of the workers had mental disabilities that it was important to help them keep focused on their tasks. Sometimes he got aggressive she said, and I looked at her and tried to understand what she was trying to say, but I began to feel sad because I felt she (and perhaps the other employees) had jumped to conclusions about this peculiar man. I thanked her and she thanked me, and I walked away quicker to conceal the tears that were coming.

…

A man is homeless for 5 years and is robbed of his job by chance —then when he finds work after he has an eviction from his apartment from being unable to pay, does not receive aid from the VA despite being a Veteran, and now wants to talk people while raking leaves, he is considered mentally ill. My god, can we not see that a human who suffers wishes to talk to his fellow humans? That in loneliness and suffering we at once wish to cast aside all that separates us and simply be heard and communicate our worlds to each other and share in human camaraderie? Do we not all suffer immensely as humans and are therefore brought together by it? and this human instead of receiving consolation is told he is different, a threat to people, necessary to stay away from, and equally should receive no help from his fellow people. And should a man who is judged in this fashion without so much as another thought not be outraged? Daily people walk on eggshells around him, and is it not this behavior that causes the exact outrage that people seek to avoid in him? He is judged to be different by no merit other than by his condition, but the circumstances his life has placed him through have led him to his condition, and if we understood those circumstances, would we not have pity on his condition rather than fear? Regardless, he is ousted from society and community, left alone to live his endless days and find his way, and still he makes no real complaint, but works —and the best our society can think of is that he is distracted from his work because he wishes to talk! Is there not a single person who would not be angry if he was told to focus on picking up leaves when he has suffered through what he has suffered through and not given the freedom to simply converse to other people? He looks sufficiently different, weary, beat, and so when he talks, the first feeling our society instills in people is the question, "Why is he talking to me? What does he want?" Why, he wants to feel like a human being! so of course he will be outraged when he is denied the smallest pleasantry he can afford himself which is to converse with other people. Would anyone not feel outraged at the injustice he is put through? To be talked to as if he were a 12 year old in school who couldn't focus on picking up leaves while talking… and wouldn't we consider another grown man who has been homeless and shot, but content in his position to be more mentally ill than him? Who would not be outraged if they could not explain why they were being denied the smallest of consolations for an infinitely deprived life? but we call his anger a symptom of mental illness because it does not fit into a societal politeness when it is the most normal and human thing to feel in his situation. So is what is not polite always considered a mental illness? Psychiatry defines the socially acceptable person to be at perfect peace, a paragon of nicety, but who would want to feel at peace in a world that reeks of spiritual decay, misunderstanding, and decadence? Does the heart not cry out a thousand times over whatever paltry peace the mind has gained? Have I understood correctly?

Most of the times when we say people are different, it means little about actual difference and is more a statement of: I do not want to get closer —when we say people are similar to us, it means little about actual similarities and is more a statement of: I want to get closer to that person… (because actual differences and similarities are always on the surface, generally aren't indicative of much… as I've seen in all cases of comparison that they always fail to grasp at the essence of a person —the core.)

Sometimes the smallest differences are the hardest to overcome.

—therefore not worth trying to prevent; take for example that today you can regret something then come to see it as being a good thing later —this happens often; Nietzsche's suffering, my Dad regretting not being there when I was younger, but if he was there that doesn't suppose a better result than what has happened. In some ways, him not being there was better —my self-will would not have likely developed if he was around to cajole me with his authority.

Regret is a reflection on past events —which is important, but not for the absolution of regret but for the remembrance of recurrent events / themes. Sticking points. Maybe...

A regret feels certain, but we shouldn't feel it as certain; it's always up for constant grounds of re-understanding. This does not mean to be content and drift towards acceptance of all things —that becomes nihilism; it means understanding the inherent dynamicism of morals (as fluid), of really understanding what is right or wrong rather than taking our first impressions of "what is wrong" as true (as static).

Doing the right thing takes precedence over faith —faith is for your own internal peace. When you're really thinking about right and wrong in relation to an action you're going to take that affects someone else (and almost every action always affects someone else), there is no peace; that is the way it is —to attempt to escape this pain and suffering is to deny the valuation of right and wrong which is the supreme good; that what is right and wrong can be continually reevaluated and must be reevaluated is essential.

Faith comes after continually doing right; it's earned.

Are rationale and feeling at odds? Does unveiling how emotions work destroy it? Let's say I understood the whole mating process; would it therefore be destroyed and devoid of meaning? —The answer is no, but why?

Why do I feel so strongly that "expanding consciousness" won't destroy emotion? But I only mean to say that I understand what I don't understand —but am capable of acting despite my non-understanding with "understanding" ; …. an embodied movement, that's all —full will rather than just consciousness. Which encapsulates. It's a non-issue this question.